Venus to Jesus
by Mr. Havik
Summary: An unexplainable turn of events lands Integra and Alexander in a world where they were never meant to exist. From gambling to starring in blockbuster movies, they must do everything they can to find a way back home without murdering each other in the process.


A/N: Hello, ladies, Mr. Havik here. I'm an old fan of Hellsing but never bothered to ruin the sanctity of this fandom until now. It's been a really long time since I last saw both the anime and OVA/manga so expect inconsistencies. Lots and lots of inconsistencies.

Disclaimer: This applies to the entire fic when I say I don't own Hellsing or any of its characters. I also particularly don't own the title as it's taken from the creepy J-Pop song "Venus to Jesus". However, the song and this fic aren't meant to be related (I'm lazy and quite uninspired when it comes to naming/deciding titles), but you can go and watch the anime for which the song was written for, titled "Arakawa Under the Bridge". That I also do not own.

Neither Pokemon.

Nor the 3DS.

The Xbox too.

You get my point.

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**Venus to Jesus**

**By Mr. Havik**

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Chapter I: Take it from the top, baby

Seras had never seen such still days ever since she joined up (with no other viable options available to her at that moment, mind you) with Hellsing. Everything had been such a frenzy in the first couple of months and now it had mellowed out so suddenly that the poor girl couldn't help but long for some excitement. However, excitement for a vampire almost always meant "utter slaughter", and given the Draculina's decided abhorrence against all violence despite the occasional bloodlust, she felt awfully guilty wishing for a little more action.

If it hadn't been for her optimistic nature, she would never have made out the silver linings amidst the thick, brooding clouds of boredom. There was time enough for her to pick up old books she had stopped reading somewhere in the middle, fawn over the dreamy new leads in the soap operas she had gotten hooked on, bond with Walter whilst they'd take long strolls in the gardens and breathe down the necks of the confused mercenary group Hellsing just hired to her heart's content.

The same could not be said for her Master. He was an ancient and powerful creature after all, and the few "ghost missions" he'd be sent off on did little to provide the required entertainment to keep him still for a couple of days. Sir Hellsing did not allow him outside the bounds of her estate unless it was necessary which meant Alucard had to improvise, and that was when Seras remembered that she, being a vampire, should have known that those "silver linings" meant trouble.

The elder vampire had come up with this silly little game where Alucard would pretend he was stalking down intruders and Seras was "it". At first it had been nothing more than chasing the girl around the house but the rules quickly mutated and the Casull found its way into the game. He'd never put a bullet in her flesh but the margin by which he'd miss the Draculina's face was enough to send her into momentary shock. The newly employed Wild Geese were worse off – if they already weren't wary enough of the Police Girl then Big Red made sure to claim the top spot on their list of phobias.

It wasn't long before Sir Integra caught wind of her servant's antics and ordered him (scolded more like it, but he seemed to enjoy it) to behave. He complied but anyone with a sound mind could have easily figured out that it was only a matter of time before he'd find a loophole and abuse the hell out of it. Unlike Seras, reading books or chatting up with Walter were utterly meaningless for the vamp. Although the girl was quite successful in getting him addicted to a couple of soaps, unless there was a series marathon, it could only distract Alucard for a mere hour.

That was when those gaming devices came in. Seras had jokingly suggested the idea, not realising how desperate her employer had become. It didn't work either because the vamp found himself victim to a couple of bullies on the Xbox's online server, which made him even moodier than before. Integra later gave him a handheld with a friendlier user base but that managed to hamper his focus during missions.

It had only been a couple of days ago when one of their ghost chases turned into a search-and-destroy when a FREAK became involved. Alucard had done what he did best: shoot first, ask questions later. As his bullets chased the unlucky vamp around the warehouse, one shot had hit its mark (her Master was missing on purpose just to draw it out as long as he could) and the target had cried out in disdain that it must have damaged his 3DS. He had called for a time out and Alucard lowered his guns as the other fished the device from his fanny pack and inspected it for any damage.

"Do you have a Golbat?" her Master had questioned and Seras' jaw dropped to the floor. The target regarded the ancient being before him with great suspicion but eventually nodded in response. After the trade had been done, Alucard promptly pulled the barrel of his Jackal into the hapless idiot's face and blew it clean off. He then collected the FREAK's device and gave it to his fledgling. Seras had no clue whether she should thank him for his consideration or scold him for looting a corpse. She discarded the latter idea when she recalled he wasn't exactly a human being.

They had been more fortunate in that one mission than either initially thought. For one, Alucard got two 3DS consoles after his fledgling very politely rejected the "gift". Secondly, it gave Hellsing enough of a lead that there may be a link between the disappearances Seras and her Master were being sent to investigate and an underhand vampire group. The elder one had been especially pleased about this since it meant an end to his spell of boredom. Poor little Police Girl had no idea that things were about to get worse.

They had been given a day assignment. Normally, her sire would have regarded this with great disdain but the slowness of the weeks past made him rather excited for this mission. They had to take Sir Integra's word for it: the missing persons mostly vanished in the light of day, which was peculiar considering that vampires, whether true or man-made, were nocturnal creatures. Regardless, the Organisation's trump cards had been deployed, along with the Captain of the Geese, to Sussex. Daylight hunting meant that they had to remain inconspicuous so long as they did not run into any trouble.

And boy did they run into trouble.

They had been given a list of names during their briefing. The targets – so to speak – were parishes, whose recent flight from London to West Sussex coincided with the complete halt in disappearances in the former and new cases popping up in the latter region. The names were twelve in total, and if their biblical allusion wasn't exciting news enough, seven of them were associated with the Roman Catholic Church. Seras never understood that this had been the real reason why her Master was simply _itching_ to go but instantly caught on when they stumbled into the last person she wanted to see.

But thank the Lord she did, even if the prayer burned her tongue, when Sir Integra interrupted the duel before it even had the chance to begin. Alucard had expressed his annoyance but the woman promptly ordered him to keep his mouth shut – she was pissed beyond imagination and it quickly became known why: the elder vampire had held back a letter from the Vatican that supposedly arrived three days ago, warning Hellsing not to go near those seven parishes while they were already under investigation by Section XIII.

Walter had discovered the letter too late and the Hellsing Director wasted no time in trying to salvage the situation. But it was already a lost cause: Alucard had long since drawn his guns on two of the targets he had tracked down as well as the Paladin, turning what was supposed to be an interrogation into an offensive.

And it was in that momentary distraction that Sir Integra had created when chaos erupted.

Despite her advanced senses, Seras could not fathom what had happened in those few, precious seconds. What she remembered was that something tore the air apart and these unearthly voids appeared out of nowhere. Someone lunged at her and knocked her to the ground, her swarming vision catching glimpses of a bodiless limb protruding from the depths of one of those inexplicable voids and reaching for her Master. A gunshot cut through the pulsating howls those tears emitted and the hand that groped at Alucard was gone.

In the fleeting moment that it all had happened, it was gone in the next. And when she gathered herself from the ground after Pip moved off her, she noticed that the number of people that had been present there had distinctly shrunk. What was even more worrisome was _who_ had suddenly vanished. It was just her, the Frenchman, her Master and the bewildered driver Sir Integra had arrived with who occupied the grassy fields for several kilometres around.

"Master...?" she queried wearily, scanning the landscape for her employer and finding no such luck. Hell, even the car the Director had ridden was gone. "Master, what happened?"

He looked back at her with confusion written all over his usually grinning face.


End file.
